I think I need to try writing earlier in the day...I seem to always be writing at night? Wonder why that is?
I've completely missed my goal of being in shape by the time our vacation to SC came along. I'm really disappointed in myself and need to figure out a way to stay on track and do the things necessary for me to lose this gut. It's driving me crazy. Seems as the only solution is to work out in the morning before work. Yes, I said it before work. That would mean waking up at like 5am...crazy talk. But I've got to do something!
Joy's got to have a biopsy on her kidney Friday(It's Friday the 13th). Her last test results came back indicating that her protein levels have increased and the doctor wants to determine why that's happening. So, instead of just increasing her meds...he's taking an extra step and having this procedure done. Thanks, doc! At this point we don't know what the results will say. Maybe the type of Lupus has changed? Maybe it will just require more/different meds? I'm hoping that it isn't anything too major. For one, I want Joy to be healthy. Two, I want to go to SC for our first family vacation.
Her mother is coming down tomorrow, I wish it was Friday morning but what can I do. I'm just so damn uptight around them. Can't find a nice comfortable place...but she's coming for her daughter and I totally understand. Glad she'll be here to support Joy.
See you on the treadmill @ 5:15...
11.7.07
21.6.07
She's back
Wifey made it home safe and sound this afternoon. And I'm extremely happy to have her back. I missed her laugh, smile, just her company. She seemed to have had a good time in Louisville, and brought home a wealth of information. Humana really has an investment in their employee's. It's wonderful to see, would be even better to participate in...seems as if there isn't room for anything at the agency.
Anyway, I got a Ali t-shirt from the Ali museum. It's nice...
Joy being back has some other significance. The nice before she left, nothing happened. No warm embrace, no snuggling, no good nice kiss, no sex. Now, my assumption is that when your partner leaves, you make love to them. It is also my assumption that upon your return you make love to them again. Because not only are you happy to see them, but you want to express your love for them...in more than words. You want to connect. These ideas have been communicated to wifey. She's forgotten or she just doesn't give a fuck. She promised to read a book on relationships that I've read, that I thought helped me understand her possible perspective. She took it out of town with her...didn't open it. Told me she took it, but didn't read it. If that's not giving a fuck, I don't know what is. Tell me to my face that you took a book that I've asked you to read...that you've promised to read...and didn't even bother to read any of it! WOW...
I often feel like this shouldn't be a complaint. That me not getting my sexual needs addressed shouldn't be a problem. I should just deal with it and be happy. I should accept not getting what I want because it's sex and its marriage and it's your wife and you've made a commitment to her and you're the man and what you have to say means shit and your needs are minimized by the fact that you are a man.
I tell her that she has all the fucking power. She has what I want, and is in total control. She's the sole distributor of her goods. They cannot be obtained without her permission. Not only her permission, but she has to want to give it to you. It's nothing that you can do to persuade her to give you some. She don't want to...she don't got to!
This is bullshit. I feel fucking helpless...
Everything else is GOLDEN though!!! She's the best thing that has ever happened to me in every other way...that's why I say that you can't expect a person to be EVERYTHING that you want/need them to be. And if you love that person then you should allow them to pursue outside parties to help in any area that you need help meeting wants/needs.
I just want to make love to my wife!
Anyway, I got a Ali t-shirt from the Ali museum. It's nice...
Joy being back has some other significance. The nice before she left, nothing happened. No warm embrace, no snuggling, no good nice kiss, no sex. Now, my assumption is that when your partner leaves, you make love to them. It is also my assumption that upon your return you make love to them again. Because not only are you happy to see them, but you want to express your love for them...in more than words. You want to connect. These ideas have been communicated to wifey. She's forgotten or she just doesn't give a fuck. She promised to read a book on relationships that I've read, that I thought helped me understand her possible perspective. She took it out of town with her...didn't open it. Told me she took it, but didn't read it. If that's not giving a fuck, I don't know what is. Tell me to my face that you took a book that I've asked you to read...that you've promised to read...and didn't even bother to read any of it! WOW...
I often feel like this shouldn't be a complaint. That me not getting my sexual needs addressed shouldn't be a problem. I should just deal with it and be happy. I should accept not getting what I want because it's sex and its marriage and it's your wife and you've made a commitment to her and you're the man and what you have to say means shit and your needs are minimized by the fact that you are a man.
I tell her that she has all the fucking power. She has what I want, and is in total control. She's the sole distributor of her goods. They cannot be obtained without her permission. Not only her permission, but she has to want to give it to you. It's nothing that you can do to persuade her to give you some. She don't want to...she don't got to!
This is bullshit. I feel fucking helpless...
Everything else is GOLDEN though!!! She's the best thing that has ever happened to me in every other way...that's why I say that you can't expect a person to be EVERYTHING that you want/need them to be. And if you love that person then you should allow them to pursue outside parties to help in any area that you need help meeting wants/needs.
I just want to make love to my wife!
19.6.07
Much to early
I just got a text from one of my best friends that our dude's mother passed away this past Sunday. I'm not in touch with dude, so I'm not sure if there were health issues or if this was sudden. What ever the circumstance, my heart is heavy. You know how you've got those friends that you don't necessarily stay in contact with, but when you see them it's always nothing but love? That's our relationship. Jarue is a great guy. Doing good things, just trying to go about life just like everyone...
His mother can't be too much older than my parents, which means she was late 50's maybe early 60's. She was a very nice lady. I didn't know her well, but our high school community was really close so I knew her...make you think about your parents, in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins. Shit is crazy. Jarue's best friend(also a good friend of mine) Andre just had a child. Wonder if she was able to see him? No word on the funeral, but I'm going to try and go...
I'm home alone for a couple of days. Joy is out of town in Louisville for a work conference...wouldn't that be nice, if I were able to do that? Working for the Government does have it's downside...
She in a executive suite...hotel said that's what they had her in. Bullshit, I know. She says it's awesome!
It will be nice to have some time to myself. I think it will benefit her as well. Being together everyday can become boring and you start getting on each other's nerves. Hopefully she will come back horny...a brotha can dream can't he? Humana, her employer, seems to have soo many opportunities available...in different cities too. Tampa, Chicago, Miami to name a few. I want to move, I would move, but she's pretty luke warm about the idea and I don't think it will happen after kids...so Cincinnati might be home for some time. And just think, I didn't even want to come down to this muthafucka to begin with. If I only would have been able to go to Hampton...
Peace
His mother can't be too much older than my parents, which means she was late 50's maybe early 60's. She was a very nice lady. I didn't know her well, but our high school community was really close so I knew her...make you think about your parents, in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins. Shit is crazy. Jarue's best friend(also a good friend of mine) Andre just had a child. Wonder if she was able to see him? No word on the funeral, but I'm going to try and go...
I'm home alone for a couple of days. Joy is out of town in Louisville for a work conference...wouldn't that be nice, if I were able to do that? Working for the Government does have it's downside...
She in a executive suite...hotel said that's what they had her in. Bullshit, I know. She says it's awesome!
It will be nice to have some time to myself. I think it will benefit her as well. Being together everyday can become boring and you start getting on each other's nerves. Hopefully she will come back horny...a brotha can dream can't he? Humana, her employer, seems to have soo many opportunities available...in different cities too. Tampa, Chicago, Miami to name a few. I want to move, I would move, but she's pretty luke warm about the idea and I don't think it will happen after kids...so Cincinnati might be home for some time. And just think, I didn't even want to come down to this muthafucka to begin with. If I only would have been able to go to Hampton...
Peace
15.6.07
Who's got an idea?
TGIF! Man, it was a long week. Work is a monster lately. Not really sure what it is, but things just aren't like they were when I started and that's only been a year ago. When I figure it out, I'll let you know...
Anyway, on our way to Penn Station, wifey says that she has been thinking of getting into real estate. Get a piece of property and lease it...something like that. I'm game, been game and been telling her that this is something we need to look into. Thing is...is she doesn't listen to me. She may listen, but she's always got to have a second opinion prior to expressing her interest or disinterest in what I'm talking about. So, she's gotten a second opinion that is similar to what I've been saying and...BAM! Now we're thinking about getting into real estate. It got thru, doesn't matter how it happened, she's on board. If this works we could potentially earn some money and establish ourselves financially. Become secure. Dare I say comfortable. We've just got to be determined and formulate our ideas into action. I'm excited about the excitement that she seems to have. None of my other ideas(which may not have garnered a second opinion in my favor)have made her this optimistic...and I think I've got great ideas...
Got to go...got moves to make. Peace.
Anyway, on our way to Penn Station, wifey says that she has been thinking of getting into real estate. Get a piece of property and lease it...something like that. I'm game, been game and been telling her that this is something we need to look into. Thing is...is she doesn't listen to me. She may listen, but she's always got to have a second opinion prior to expressing her interest or disinterest in what I'm talking about. So, she's gotten a second opinion that is similar to what I've been saying and...BAM! Now we're thinking about getting into real estate. It got thru, doesn't matter how it happened, she's on board. If this works we could potentially earn some money and establish ourselves financially. Become secure. Dare I say comfortable. We've just got to be determined and formulate our ideas into action. I'm excited about the excitement that she seems to have. None of my other ideas(which may not have garnered a second opinion in my favor)have made her this optimistic...and I think I've got great ideas...
Got to go...got moves to make. Peace.
9.6.07
Extra room
I've finally gotten some patio furniture. Yep, it all went down Thursday. Pretty nice set for not alot of money...always a good combo! My brother helped me put it up(my 4 year old niece too). Got out here on it last night(Friday) with my homeboy and his son, and again tonight with my brother and our boy. Put some burgers and chicken on the grill, had some brew, and a little treat...wonderful day. Wasn't too hot, good company, food, comfort, sitting out on my new patio furniture. The pleasures of life...
My wife was at a co-workers wedding. A man that used to be homosexual, but now's straight? A the woman who he's marrying is fully aware of his past a gay man. Sounds like some shit on T.V., but life does immate art.
I hope I can get to know more of my neighbors this summer. Many of them seem to be very secluded. I'm a pretty private guy(you're writing a fucking blog, dude) but these folks be shut in. Blinds closed, front doors with screen doors that aren't open, never outside and if they are and you pass they might not speak. Why can't we speak? Is it that serious that you don't want to know the people you're living next to? You'd rather not know the person you're living next to? I'm going to have force them to speak. Get all up in their personal space. Go into their yards. Knock on their doors. I feel like I'm an outsider because we are empty nesters.
I'll be using my patio to do more of this in the very near future. Peace.
My wife was at a co-workers wedding. A man that used to be homosexual, but now's straight? A the woman who he's marrying is fully aware of his past a gay man. Sounds like some shit on T.V., but life does immate art.
I hope I can get to know more of my neighbors this summer. Many of them seem to be very secluded. I'm a pretty private guy(you're writing a fucking blog, dude) but these folks be shut in. Blinds closed, front doors with screen doors that aren't open, never outside and if they are and you pass they might not speak. Why can't we speak? Is it that serious that you don't want to know the people you're living next to? You'd rather not know the person you're living next to? I'm going to have force them to speak. Get all up in their personal space. Go into their yards. Knock on their doors. I feel like I'm an outsider because we are empty nesters.
I'll be using my patio to do more of this in the very near future. Peace.
29.5.07
Damn it, Man
My wife went to buy some make-up this weekend. The first trip didn't result in a look that she nor I liked, so we went to the spot together the next day. This time the make-up artist got it right. And my wife looked like a million bucks. Now me being a man, I want to fuck all the time...regardless of how she looks(just about regardless of how she looks), but with this new make-up she's HOT. I can't stop complementing her on how good she looks. She's liking the new look herself.
She picks out a sexy little dress to wear to work, and looks better today than yesterday. I tell her before I leave the house how good she looks. I send emails telling her how much I'd been thinking about her, and how much I loved her with this make-up on. She let me know she liked it, and I could tell she was more confident.
I continue to compliment her...because I truly am in aw. Telling her how I can't wait to see her after work, how I want to get under her dress. She's seemingly going along with my advances, but please be advised that any conversation regarding anything sexual while at work is simply talk to her. NOTHING ever sticks. No matter how many suggestions I make, I'm rarely successful in putting her in the 'mood'. To the point where it's almost not worth the effort...
Anyway, back to today. I'm so smitten, I send flowers to her job. A nice little bouquet of something..she gets them and says how sweet I am and how much she loves and appreciates me. Those things are good, but I'm looking to get some pussy! So, I send the flowers. I cook dinner, do a load of laundry, put up some laundry, take her nail polish off. Not because I expect something, but because those are things I do because they need to be done. Thing is earlier today on the elevator a co-worker is complaining to me about how she's got to go home and do this and that. To which I say, oh...I do x,y,z. She's like can I clone you. My husband doesn't do anything around the house. I know this to be true of most men, cause hey I'm a man. But again, I do thing because they are necessary and I would never want the entire burden of maintaining a home to fall on the shoulders of my wife.
I digress...
The point is that throughout the day I thought I was laying plans to get some pussy. She's talking about putting the dress back on after her shower, so I can get under it. She's talking about 'you must really want some' referring to the flowers. By 7, I know there's no sex in the plans for tonight...like too many other nights. And I can't understand. And I try. I've gotten a book, I look online for reasons and remedies, I try talking to her about what I need. Nothing clicks. She doesn't understand. Doesn't understand the rejection. Doesn't understand the longing. Doesn't understand the desire. Doesn't understand the need. Doesn't understand the want. Doesn't understand that sex is something a 27 year old man needs. And I understand that she's tired. I understand that the meds may be the cause. I understand that she doesn't want to as much. I understand that she's critical of herself regarding this(or so she says). I understand that she wishes her desire was greater.
And all this damn understanding leaves me pissed, cause I feel like I should be able to get some fucking pussy when I want!
And I'm writing just to get this shit out, so I don't fucking wake her up and go off. So I don't go to sleep mad.
So, in case you've missed it. I've got a hot wife, hows even hotter with this new make-up and confidence that goes along with it. But she doesn't want to sleep with me. How can a man not begin to think 'it's got to be me'. Maybe I'm not pleasing her? Makes sense..I wouldn't want to do something all the time I don't enjoy, but she swears this isn't it. THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM! Doesn't the bible say something about your wife and sex? Why don't we follow that fucking rule!!!! Why do I have to suffer, because I'm a man and should just have to deal with it. Why shouldn't I be able to fulfill my sexual needs...with or without my wife, if she's not willing or is unable. What the fuck do I do? In my relationship sex is expendable...not treated as a necessity. Not treated as a vital part of the relationship.
DAMN IT, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
She picks out a sexy little dress to wear to work, and looks better today than yesterday. I tell her before I leave the house how good she looks. I send emails telling her how much I'd been thinking about her, and how much I loved her with this make-up on. She let me know she liked it, and I could tell she was more confident.
I continue to compliment her...because I truly am in aw. Telling her how I can't wait to see her after work, how I want to get under her dress. She's seemingly going along with my advances, but please be advised that any conversation regarding anything sexual while at work is simply talk to her. NOTHING ever sticks. No matter how many suggestions I make, I'm rarely successful in putting her in the 'mood'. To the point where it's almost not worth the effort...
Anyway, back to today. I'm so smitten, I send flowers to her job. A nice little bouquet of something..she gets them and says how sweet I am and how much she loves and appreciates me. Those things are good, but I'm looking to get some pussy! So, I send the flowers. I cook dinner, do a load of laundry, put up some laundry, take her nail polish off. Not because I expect something, but because those are things I do because they need to be done. Thing is earlier today on the elevator a co-worker is complaining to me about how she's got to go home and do this and that. To which I say, oh...I do x,y,z. She's like can I clone you. My husband doesn't do anything around the house. I know this to be true of most men, cause hey I'm a man. But again, I do thing because they are necessary and I would never want the entire burden of maintaining a home to fall on the shoulders of my wife.
I digress...
The point is that throughout the day I thought I was laying plans to get some pussy. She's talking about putting the dress back on after her shower, so I can get under it. She's talking about 'you must really want some' referring to the flowers. By 7, I know there's no sex in the plans for tonight...like too many other nights. And I can't understand. And I try. I've gotten a book, I look online for reasons and remedies, I try talking to her about what I need. Nothing clicks. She doesn't understand. Doesn't understand the rejection. Doesn't understand the longing. Doesn't understand the desire. Doesn't understand the need. Doesn't understand the want. Doesn't understand that sex is something a 27 year old man needs. And I understand that she's tired. I understand that the meds may be the cause. I understand that she doesn't want to as much. I understand that she's critical of herself regarding this(or so she says). I understand that she wishes her desire was greater.
And all this damn understanding leaves me pissed, cause I feel like I should be able to get some fucking pussy when I want!
And I'm writing just to get this shit out, so I don't fucking wake her up and go off. So I don't go to sleep mad.
So, in case you've missed it. I've got a hot wife, hows even hotter with this new make-up and confidence that goes along with it. But she doesn't want to sleep with me. How can a man not begin to think 'it's got to be me'. Maybe I'm not pleasing her? Makes sense..I wouldn't want to do something all the time I don't enjoy, but she swears this isn't it. THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM! Doesn't the bible say something about your wife and sex? Why don't we follow that fucking rule!!!! Why do I have to suffer, because I'm a man and should just have to deal with it. Why shouldn't I be able to fulfill my sexual needs...with or without my wife, if she's not willing or is unable. What the fuck do I do? In my relationship sex is expendable...not treated as a necessity. Not treated as a vital part of the relationship.
DAMN IT, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
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